Happy Father’s Day You Lazy Alcoholic

Is this what society is saying to dads across America? The answer seems to be a resounding yes. If you have been shopping for a Father’s Day card for your husband/father/father-in-law you may have had to sift through the less than flattering clichés cards that portray dads in a none too favorable light. Moms have to deal with cliché cards too, but theirs aren’t based on them being horrible people. According to the cards, moms cook, clean, have rollers in their hair, juggle many things at once, and eat chocolate. Dads on the other hand are very different. According to the greeting cards I surveyed this year, dads are poor caregivers, drink in excess, constantly golf and or fish, pass gas constantly, grill food 24/7, seldom leave the cozy confines of their couch except to spend hours in the bathroom, and if they ever get lost on the way to the bathroom they never ever ask for directions.

It’s like my mother-in-law in her generalization of me as a “big time fishermen.” I have literally went fishing a handful of times in the sixteen years we have known each other but somehow that gets me a fishing trinket from her on days such as Father’s Day. Using that logic I should really be getting gangster-rap T-shirts because I probably have actually listened to and liked six rap songs in that same time frame—which would decisively trump fishing as my bigger hobby.

This whole “dads can’t do anything right” label is played. It’s like domestic Swiss cheese—it just doesn’t make sense. Enough’s enough already. I know a lot of dads. Of all the dads I have ever known in my life, I can’t think of more than like three that deserve some of these cliché cards. One guy is divorced, another is in jail (but still not a bad guy), and another is a larger man that just has issues controlling his gas. Does this make us all monsters? Trust me; I like a good fart joke as much as the next guy and I think bodily functions are enthralling and comical on many levels. I just don’t endorse the idea of buying a card, which is supposed to celebrate your father, which shows a lady with a gas mask on the front.

I want some pregnancy cards to be released that say things like, “Congratulations You Smelly Cow,” or “Hemorrhoids are Nasty and So is Your Pregnant Gas.” Pregnant ladies let gas pass like they are in some sick contest, well at least the ones I have met. They are burping, farting, food devourers that mostly fall asleep, with their pants unzipped, in front of the TV. Give a pregnant woman a beer and a roll of duct tape and there is your Father’s Day cliché. Alas, according to Carlton Cards, she will at least ask for directions on her way to the ER.

If you don’t trust me, I took a video camera with me into a local Target and Hallmark store to see what was out there. The Hallmark store scored well in my opinion, where as the Target failed. They had the fart cards, the lazy TV watching beer drinker cards, and the plethora of golfing cards.