Geriatric Jones 4: A Blind Movie Review

First, you might be asking yourself, “Why is this a blind movie review?”  The answer is, “Seriously, it isn’t in theaters yet.  So, I am reviewing totally on instinct, and trust me that’s enough” 

Anyways, as you may or may not know—Harrison Ford is freakin’ old.  I mean, he is what I consider old for a fist throwing, cavern jumping spelunker.  Dude was born in 1942.  That makes him….carry the 4….really old.

  He turns 66 on July 13^th and part of his legacy will be an arthritic Indiana Jones flailing around against an obvious blue screen, fighting off predictable sophisticated and unsophisticated baddies, all to the worn out theme song that seems to be playing anytime I switch on the TV.  No disrespect, but I am more afraid of the guy on the right than Indiana Jones at this point.  Really, have you even seen some of the interviews?  Harrison looks more like a retirement home escapee when he wields that trademark whip than some adventure film hero.   I think I would be more afraid of getting the smell of Ben Gay all over myself if I was tussling with Grandpa Jones than an actual injury.  Now, I thought it may be an appropriate exercise to come up with a list of things Indiana Jones’ character should be doing instead of grabbing his hat from quick closing stone vaults and predictably bemoaning snakes, so, here is my top nine:

Top Nine Things Indiana Jones Should Have Done Instead of Make this Movie: 

1. Whittle – this means either carving something out of wood or intending to do so before the nap takes over and he is resigned to simply drooling all over himself.
2. Nap – napping is something that all old people do and incidentally this is the main reason I want to be old.
3. Rock on the porch – no, not to music, in a chair.  *Note* this can be done whilst whittling or napping.
4. Drink Buttermilk – old people are the only people I know of that do this.
5. Say, “Dag Gum It!” – see #4 for why.
6. Feed some animals that aren’t his pets – old people love to do this, as all people do, but this is more habit-forming for the oldsters.
7. Wonder what happened to “Short Round” – Indy would inevitably start to think about all his old adventures and he would have to wonder what happened to “Short Round.”  I mean, Temple of Doom and Goonies then he disappeared. 
8. Eat things with lots of bran – old dude gots to have his fiber right?
9. Yelling for kids to stay off his lawn – see #4 for why. 

You get the point.  Maybe it’s just me, but: I don’t like my rock stars to be doubled over and dancing; I don’t like to see 60-year-old cleavage; and I don’t like my action stars driving their rascals from the trailer to the set.  Die Hard 4 was tough enough to sit through.  Seeing the one ad with Indy using an RPG to blow up a tank made me throw up a little in my mouth. If the trailer induces nausea, then the movie would rest assured be like ipecac syrup.  I like my memories of Indy to be good ones, not CGI and gimmicks designed to make an aging actor look somehow heroic.  Thanks for waiting way too long to put this movie out (Lucas, Spielberg, Ford) and making your fans sit through Granpa Jones and act like we believe one second of it.  My Grade: F